30 August 2012

On the 2012 RNC Keynote

Applause for Chris Christie is less than deafening at the RNC, which is too bad because I might've enjoyed his keynote speech more if I hadn't been able to hear it. It's disgusting. This entire convention so far has consisted of watching elephants try to fart like mice.

There's some point in the speech, Chris Christie mentions that sort of “we're all here tonight” shtick and when he says “farmers” this one guy in a crazy hat can be seen looking at all the people around him. He might see a lot of people who own stock in companies that have bought out farms. But his search for farmers ends visibly on camera, confused and unsuccessful.

These people are applauding getting rid of teachers? Shame on them. And shame on Republicans for running people out of their jobs.

Visually, they're really trying hard to make Christie look like a moderate. He keeps talking about how Democratic New Jersey is, he's got on a purple tie, and and the screen behind him is blue.

What is this steam blowing behind Chris Christie? Are we supposed to be in a blue Hell or something? Or are we supposed to be imagining Christie's head in the sky? It would explain why he sounds like he has his head in the clouds. If he shoves his head much further up his ass, they'll have to change it brown.

Christie: “We believe in telling people the truth about our financial situation...” Except that Mitt Romney has featured at least two ads featuring mistruths, both regarding our current economic situation: “Obama dropped the work to welfare requirement,” or that the “Affordable Care Act cost us $700 billion.” These claims have been disproven by every news source-- even Chris Wallce is calling Christie “off-key”; Fox News contributer Sally Kohn reported these points are “blatant lies.” In response, one Republican pollster said he wouldn't let the Romney campaign be defined by “fact checkers.”

12:22-12:30-- Asking old people to take cuts in Medicare and Medicaid. “Our seniors are not selfish.” Listen to the little patter of applause after that.  Hardly anyone is clapping.  How could you?  Who goes down into Florida and starts attacking the elderly?  Republicans should lose Florida for going there to bully my grandma!

12:35-- Is that the voice of a senior booing? Quick, we found probably an isolated black person at this event! Uh oh... she doesn't look too enthusiastic. Camera zooms to let us see her hands, and that she is, in fact, barely clapping. Listen as the old lady continues to boo for a bit.

13:13-- put students first... by getting rid of teachers? Just say it to yourself. It doesn't make sense. This platform actively hurts education in the country at the same time as it inflates unemployment.

14:00-- Christie “believes in teachers?” Teaching is mythical to him or something?

“Strength of our ideas, not our rhetoric, draws people to our party.” Republicans don't want it to be about what you say or do, but what they believe. Someone sic Bill Nye on these people!

“We lose when we scare and divide”... then he goes on immediately to scaring.

“Get results for the people who gave us these jobs.” (Remember, this only makes sense if you buy into the Republican delusion that corporations are people)

Old ladies half-heartedly shaking American flags. They are holding them backwards.

The old “putting bureaucrats between people and their doctors” bit. Oh, please. We all know our children need health potions. Under the Affordable Care Act, every party can keep their cleric.

Christie calls Obama's leadership “absentee?” No, excuse me, there's only been one absent party this past 4 years and that's been the obstructionist Republican regime which abused filibuster on needed stimulus and diluted any solution, weakening our recovery from a double-dip recession (caused by the previous administration's adherence to failed economic policies) because they so badly wanted Barack Obama to be a one term president.

“We all must share in this sacrifice,” says a rich man about to give more money to rich people.

Republicans are big on this fall from grace concept that America somehow stopped being a superpower under Obama. They say they support the American people, or that they are great, but they're always talking about needing to “be great again” as if we've lost it. Their entire endorsement of “American exceptionalism” is that they believe we somehow stopped being exceptional and need to reclaim it. The kind of doublethink required to believe it is typical of Republicans, especially visible in those ridiculous Corporate Tea Party signs saying shit like, “Get the Gov't Out of MY Medicare!” … Medicare is a federal government program.

Hey, y'know what's insane?  Asking your hands to get out of your hands.

After “second American century,” now Christie is surrounded by fire, which I think visually confirms that he is supposed to be speaking from Hell.  Or maybe they just want people to think he's a "fiery" speaker.

“New era of truth-telling.” Again, from the campaign that isn't letting itself be defined by an adherence to facts. I believe this should be called what it is: a new era of relying on an old era's bullshit.

12:52-- a large, older woman wearing a fanny pack is waving her arms, trying to get somebody's attention. She doesn't seem to know she has the camera's eye. “No!” she shouts.

It's easy to see why Republicans aren't excited this year.

Errata: apparently, it's “dictate,” not “define.” It was Neil Newhouse that said: “We won't let fact checkers dictate our campaign. We're not going to let truth get in the way.”

16 August 2012

Curse of the Keyboard

Test Transcript #1

Dangerous though it may be, I now type upon the Cursed Keyboard. A live and public test of this artifact seems the only way to put to rest the legends of its corrupting powers over human linguistic functioning when connected to the Internet. For want of minimal exposure to any possible damage, we have devised a 30-day experiment which should satisfy for both rigor and safety. Transcripts will be selected after testing which highlight any key developments.

Let this first entry serve as baseline.

* * *
Test Transcript #2

Hello to all teh folks out there watching. As you can see, the MRI & EEG readings still show normal activity. Though I have experienced some misspellings, we cannot as yet ascribe these to the mythical “corruption” of the keyboard as much as we might an accidental slip of the fingers. As far as effects go, so far I have also noticed a slight increase in irritability, but little moar. lol

* * *
Test Transcript #3

OK, we're startin 2 see stuff on teh MRI and EEG, specificly in Wernicke and Broca's areas. Soem people rite 2 me sayin it's messed up. ffs omfg wtf that's just their opinion! i tpye totes fine, i mean cant u read ppl!?


* * *
Test Transcript #4

omg srsly cognitiv malfunction? moar liek teh 2 epicness of ym brian. u jelly!or there all stupid.ima kep doin it ya u dont no wtf ppl y u no raed me? y u no liek n subscrib? follo teh reserch 4 kittehs ppl!

* * *
Test Transcript #5

avpne'vje dbrh[bhjewom m ;ribuwehvonpv m;ls hiev8ihwvcnpw; ' ; neb9ehv89ejfvpevl; el hj vyu f67ef

* * *

[Experimenters' note: After one viewer brought the fifth transcript to the attention of the research team involved, the full month-long test has been canceled in favor of maintaining the health and safety of Subject A.  Subject A has since been provided with opportunities for rehabilitation, but the overall prognosis is uncertain at best.  The team expresses sincere condolences to the family of Subject A, but stands firmly by the waiver signed by all subjects and Subject A's typed statement of “#yolo.”]

12 August 2012

Crypt Thief Word Cloud

The following is an image of a word cloud I created at Wordle.net from the 100 most-used words in four stories I've written about crypt thieves.

02 August 2012

WTF, Online News Source?

Thanks for putting a video with this article, Online News Source.  That's mighty convenient.  From the size of the scrollbar, this looks like a longish article and this video will save me time.

You want me to watch an ad first?  Sucky, but okay.  Fine.  I'll sit through it.  Hopefully there's not a second one.  Hopefully the video won't repeat.  Hopefully it'll be shorter than this video you thought was so important you would put it before the article.  Hopefully it'll be a different-- no?  Okay, fine, I'll watch this one commercial again, just get to the content.

Oh.  Oh, Online News Source.  We have some problems here.  The commercial that interrupted was, like, twice as long as the actual news segment.  Also, the segment didn't tell me anything.  It was barely even on the same topic as the article.  This whole thing was just a tangent.  I could've been halfway done with this article by now!  Not to mention your advertiser's banner in the corner is censoring your content!

If all of this wasn't enough, your videos keep playing when I'm finished with them.  The end of the video doesn't give me an opportunity to pause, nor can I pause the ad that will continue to play.  I have to mute my computer and try to just hurry and read the article before you assault me with more nonsense.

Why, Online News Source, why!?